Chances Missed
by Random1377
Summary: Shinji moves in with Maya, and all looks right with the world... until the sixteenth angel attacks.  Chapter 7 online now.
1. Emotional elements

Disclaimer: Studio Gainax animation is the sole own of the rights to Evangelion. I own no rights to anything currently, and will happily remove all traces of this story should they ask, rather than being sued by them for copyright infringement (hopefully, it won't come to that... after all, I'm not making any money off of this.)  
  
Part 1  
Emotional elements  
By Random1377  
  
Rei Ayanami was confused, and she did not like the feeling. In the two weeks since her defeat at the hands of Unit 01, she had watched with great interest as Shinji Ikari and Maya Ibuki had grown steadily closer to one another... but her interest also lent itself to an increase in her confusion.  
  
-Why?- she asked herself as she walked to school, -Why do they tie themselves to one another, they are very different in age... and why did he not disable me and conclude his mission when he had the opportunity?- Her mind filled with the image of Unit 01's progressive knife descending towards her mecha's head, stayed only by the words of Miss Ibuki.  
  
She was also perplexed by the changes in her other fellow pilot, Asuka Langley Souryu. The girl seemed downright... friendly to Shinji (though never to her), which was an abrupt turnaround from her behavior before the fifteenth angel. At first she had thought that WAS the explanation... until she realized that the change had begun beforehand.  
  
-I will speak to him today,- she determined, -I must not allow this lack of understanding to affect me... the Commander would not approve.- at the thought of her Commander, Gendou Ikari, a small smile graced her lips. After all, was he not the man that raised her, clothing and feeding her as she grew? Was he not the man that lavished attention upon her when no one else was around, listening to everything she had to say with a look of infinite patience? Was he not the man who defined her very existence?  
  
Her smile faded a little. But was he not also the man who had ordered Unit 00's arm to be detonated while she was still connected to the machine, even though it would have taken only a moment to cut the connection? Was he not the man who had been willing to put her into Unit 01 to fight the third angel, even though she was still bleeding from the wounds she had suffered from the Unit 00 activation failure. Was he not the man who had sent her to taunt Naoko Akagi, knowing that it would drive her insane with rage and... what? This memory was still hazy to her.  
  
"He was only doing what he must..." she whispered as the darker thoughts came to her... but she was unsure.  
  
She hoped that Shinji would be free during lunch period to assist her with her questions... unfortunately for her, he was otherwise occupied.  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
"Maya?" Shinji said, "Have you seen my other shoe?" Maya looked up from her morning paper, an odd look on her face. "What?" Shinji stopped rummaging through the closet, "Did I say something wrong?"  
  
She tried to speak but no words came out. Shinji was at her side in an instant, dropping the one shoe he had found and pressing his hand to her forehead, a look of concern on his face as he asked again if something was wrong. She threw her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his stomach, crying, "N-no! Everything's fine!!" she sobbed, further confusing the boy.  
  
He held her, wondering what could have touched this off, "It's ok, Maya... I..." he didn't know what to say.  
  
After a moment she calmed down, "I'm... sorry..." she gasped, pulling away from him, "it's just... when you asked me where your shoe was, it just made me realize how glad I am that you're here, and it made me... made me realize how HAPPY I AM!!" she grabbed him again, fresh tears flowing down her face.  
  
"Umm... ok..." he whispered. When she had calmed down, he said, "Umm... I'm glad you're happy... I am too." He licked his lips, "I'm going to find..." he trailed off as she tensed, remembering why she had started crying in the first place, "I'll be right back, ok?" She grabbed him tightly, "I'm just going in the living room for a sec, I'll be RIGHT back..." he gently pulled her hands away and kissed them, "ok?"  
  
She nodded, "Hurry..."  
  
He nodded, surreptitiously pulling his cell phone from his back pocket, "I will." He blew her a kiss, and she smiled radiantly, her tears forgotten... which worried Shinji even more.  
  
In the living room, he dialed frantically, "Come on..." he urged the phone, "Doctor Akagi? It's Shinji... no, I'M ok... but Maya's... acting strange..." He listened for a moment, "Yes, it's the fifth, why?" He listened another moment, "Her WHAT?! ...no," he said, irritated, "I took biology, but thanks." He said goodbye and hung up.  
  
He looked at the door leading towards the kitchen, "I mustn't run away..." he whispered. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for the storm, and stepped through the door to confront his darkest fear.  
  
**  
  
Misato was not amused. It was bad enough that Shinji had not shown up at school that day, and then have Rei of all people ask after him, but what annoyed Misato most of all was the fact that she knew exactly where to find him. It didn't really bother her that Shinji and Maya were dating, -Hell,- she thought, -I dated guys WAY older than me in college.-  
  
What bothered her was that Shinji was becoming... not rude, exactly, but less considerate. He spent every night with the bridge tech, which Misato could understand - they were just starting out, after all, and VERY into one another... but what she could NOT approve of was being left in the dark on his whereabouts during the day.  
  
And, truth be told, she also missed his cooking. It was hard to go back to instant junk after eating the kind of fare that Shinji was capable of making... and Asuka wasn't exactly trying to pick up the slack.  
  
Misato shook her head, focussing on the task at hand, "I hope they're not doing it..." she muttered as she approached Maya's door, "I'd have to kill her... AND him!"  
  
She had nothing to fear... today least of all.  
  
She knocked on the door and waited a moment. She was raising her hand to knock again when a hushed, rather frantic sounding voice said, "Come in."  
  
She tried the door and found it unlocked, so she made her way for the first time into Maya's apartment. She walked through the short hallway to the kitchen and looked around. From the kitchen she could plainly see the bedroom (empty, -Thank God,-) a small study, a bathroom, and a door that could only lead to the living room.  
  
Her jaw dropped as she saw the living room in disarray, and Maya lying on the floor asleep with Shinji's leg draped across her abdomen.   
  
Frowning, Misato said, "Shinji! What are you d-"  
  
"For God's sake, don't WAKE HER!" Shinji whispered fiercely, taking his guardian by surprise. He looked fearful as Maya stirred and mumbled in her sleep, then sighed in relief as she smiled and stayed unconscious.  
  
He raised a finger and crooked it at the purple-haired woman, waiting until she was close to him before speaking, "She has cramps..." he whispered, "this makes them hurt less." He shook his head, "As it is, it took an hour and a half to find a comfortable spot so she could sleep..." he scrubbed a hand over his face, "an hour and a half of crying and laughing and everything between."  
  
Misato blinked, then smiled wickedly, "That time of the month, eh?" She took a closer look at the boy, noting several small scratches on his arm and a bruise on his cheek.  
  
Shinji nodded, "And how... Doctor Akagi says it's ALWAYS like this on the fifth of the month... she even has Maya scheduled off every fifth - just to avoid seeing her this way." He frowned, "Though I doubt it's for Maya's benefit..."  
  
Misato laughed quietly, "Well... I'll just leave you two alone then, I just wanted to make sure you were ok."  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't call," he said, then pointed to his face, "but I was a little busy."  
  
Misato smiled, and Shinji was afraid. "No problem," she said sweetly, "I didn't like, worry myself sick about you, or anything like that." She rose and left the room with exaggerated care. -Should I?- she thought as she walked out of the apartment, -Yeah... I should...- She slammed the door as hard as she could, yelling, "Talk to you about it later!!"  
  
She laughed as Shinji frustrated scream echoed through the house, "DAMNIT MISTATO!!!"  
  
**  
Asuka lay on her bed thinking. Like Misato, she knew exactly where Shinji was when he couldn't be found, but unlike the purple-haired woman she bore him no animosity. If anything, she was slightly envious.  
  
What she DID feel when he was gone was a vague sense of abandonment. In the days before the fifteenth angel she had felt herself growing closer to him... and it had secretly pleased her that she had been the only one he had confided in before his relationship became public knowledge. Because even though she had found out about them on her own, he had still talked to her about his concerns and fears... which she certainly never would have in his place.  
  
"But now what?" she whispered, "You're hardly ever here anymore, and I want to talk to you."  
  
That she wanted to talk to him did not strike her as odd - even in light of her previous actions and words - he was, after all, one of only two other people in the world that knew what it was like to pilot EVA. What frightened her, though, was a growing sense of... disconnectedness. A slow drawing away from those around her that she could feel... but could do nothing about.  
  
Of all the people in her life, she only felt close to him... and his constant absence was taking its toll.  
  
She briefly considered going over to Maya's to find him, but immediately thought better of it, "We're not exactly on good terms..." she whispered sadly.  
  
So she pulled further back from the world and waited for the time she could see him again - the time when she could open up to the one person in the world that might understand her.  
  
**  
  
Shinji and Maya lay quietly in her bed, the worst of the storm now over. Shinji sighed quietly, thankful that this would only be a once a month experience.  
  
"I'm sorry..." Maya whispered, pressing her face to his chest so she would not have to meet his eyes, "if I hadn't broken down when you were looking for your shoe, you would have gone to school and you never would have had to see me like... that..."  
  
He lifted her face and kissed her, "No," he said as he pulled back, "I'm glad I did."  
  
She frowned, touching the bruise on his cheek, "Uh huh... sure you are..."  
  
He grinned, then kissed her fingertips, "This is going to sound corny," he began, "but I'm glad I saw you this way, because... well, it's a part of you. And I want to know everything about you."  
  
She laughed, "You're right, that IS corny!" She kissed him softly, "But it's also very sweet... and I'm glad you were here with me. I hate being alone."  
  
He folded his arms around her, "Don't worry - if I have any say in the matter, you'll never be alone again... ever."  
  
She sighed, thinking of all that his simple statement implied... and all the ways he might NOT have a say in the matter. But she just let it go without commenting and snuggled closer to him, letting herself believe - even if just for a moment - that he would always be with her.  
  
-Who knows?- she thought as she began to drift off to sleep, -Maybe he's right... maybe people CAN stay together forever...- the thought made her smile as she slid off the edge of consciousness and into a calm, restful sleep...  
  
Continued...  
  
Author's notes: and so begins book 2 of Should a chance be taken? I know I said I would focus more on the reactions of the other characters in book two, but ultimately this story is about Shinji and Maya, so they will be getting more time than the others.  
  
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	2. Asking questions/Word trap

Disclaimer: see part 1  
  
Part 2  
Asking questions/Word trap  
By Random1377  
  
"Maya," Shinji asked, "why do you... like me?"  
  
Maya ducked her head out of the bathroom, blinking as a bit of shampoo dripped into her left eye, "What?" she asked, her tone irritated.  
  
Shinji flushed as he realized that she was naked behind the door, but he pressed forward anyway, "I said why do you like me?"  
  
She wiped her stinging eye, "Can this wait? I'm KIND of in the middle of something."  
  
Shinji nodded, embarrassed. He was still having trouble reconciling the fact that this cagey woman in front of him was the same one that insisted he sleep in her bed every night.  
  
She sighed, "Let me rinse off... I'll be out in a minute."  
  
Shinji fidgeted as he waited. -I don't know if I should be doing this...- he thought, -maybe I should just leave it alone.- But he knew he could not... he simply HAD to know what this gorgeous woman saw in someone like him.  
  
After several minutes he heard the shower turn off, and Maya came into the kitchen wearing a large aqua colored bathrobe. "Why do I like you?" she repeated his question, frowning, "Does it really matter?"  
  
Shinji blinked, "Umm... I don't know... I guess, I-"  
  
"Shinji," she cut him off, "aren't you going to be late for school?"  
  
He looked at the floor, "I can make it if I leave in the next few minutes, and run... but I-"  
  
"Isn't it enough that I DO like you?" she cut him off again, "Why does it have to be analyzed? Can't you just go with it?"  
  
"So you don't want to talk about why we're together?" he said wonderingly.  
  
"No," she said with a shake of her head, "it's enough for me right now that we ARE. I just plan to enjoy every minute... while it lasts..."  
  
The last thought was to herself - barely even a whisper... but Shinji heard it like a clarion.  
  
"Umm... you're right, I should get to school," he said finally, deciding to let the comment go, "I'll see you tonight, k?" He gave her a quick hug and kiss and walked out the door, frowning slightly.  
  
**  
  
As the last bell of the day rang, Asuka stood up quickly and moved to Shinji's desk, "Will you walk home with me today, Shinji?" she said, her voice low, "I need to talk to you about something."  
  
Shinji frowned, "Can it wait until later, Asuka? I've got cleanup duty today," he gestured around the messy room "and as you can see, that may take a while."  
  
She gnawed her lower lip for a moment, "Ok, but will you at least come to Misato's apartment when you're done? I REALLY need to talk to you."  
  
Shinji blinked at the agitation in the girl's voice, "Umm, yeah..." he hadn't noticed the fact that Asuka had said 'Misato's apartment', and not 'home'. If he had noticed he may have asked himself where 'home' was. After his discussion with Maya this morning, he might not have been able to provide a solid answer.  
  
Asuka looked relieved, "Ok... I'll see you after school then."  
  
Shinji nodded, not noticing the intense scrutiny that Rei was giving the exchange from the back of the class.  
  
It took him much of the afternoon to clean the place up. He was supposed to have help, but the kid that was on duty with him had slipped out with the rest of the class, leaving him alone.  
  
He didn't really mind cleaning alone, it gave him a chance to think. -What did Maya mean, 'while it lasts'?- he wondered, frowning, -doesn't she think that what we have is...- his frown deepened. What exactly DID they have? He was suddenly unsure. A diffident cough interrupted his thoughts.  
  
He turned, expecting to find Asuka waiting for him, -She never did have much patience, he thought. Instead of the Second Child he found, "Ayanami, hi!" he said, brightening, "I thought you had gone for the day?"  
  
She shook her head, "I wanted to speak to you." She said plainly, coming into the room and standing in front of him.  
  
-Wow...- he mused, -everyone wants to talk to me today... everyone except Maya.- To Rei he said, "Sure, what's on your mind?"  
  
"Pilot Ikari," she said quietly, "why do you spend your time with Miss Ibuki?"  
  
Shinji was surprised, "I... well, I like her... she's my girlfriend." He said with a certain amount of pride, suppressing the memory of the morning's conversation.  
  
"Is the difference in your ages not a hindrance?" she inquired, tilting her head to the side in curiosity.  
  
"Not really," he said, trying to understand why Rei was asking him this, "since I like her and..." he only paused briefly, but Rei caught it, "she likes me, we don't let something like that get in the way."  
  
"I see," Rei said in her calm voice, "so if you like a person, then you spend time with them, kiss them, and engage in other physical and emotional bonding with them - regardless of what others may think, correct?"  
  
Shinji thought about it, "Yeah, I... guess that sums it up. When you like someone, you want to be closer to them, no matter what."  
  
Rei was nodding, "I understand. May I ask another question?" He nodded, "If a person tells you that they do not like you, do you feel sadness?"  
  
He looked at the floor, "Yes... if I asked someone if they liked me and they said no, I would feel hurt..." He became aware that she was watching him intently, "What is it, Ayanami?"  
  
"Do you like me?" she asked, stepping closer.  
  
Shinji did not like the direction the conversation was headed, and he took a corresponding step back, "Umm..." he felt trapped by his own words, unable to say no for fear of hurting the girl's feelings, but scared to say yes because of how she might take it. He gathered his courage, hoping for the best, "Y-yes, Ayanami, I like you... but-"  
  
She took another step, forcing Shinji up against the wall, "Will you not kiss me, then?"  
  
He swallowed as she drew closer to him, a sense of unreality washing over him at her bold advance, "I don't... think it would be... appropriate, I-"  
  
"Do you love Miss Ibuki?" she whispered, her face now inches from his.  
  
Though they had never strayed from the general topic of relationships, the question still caught him off guard, "I..." He didn't know what to say. -Do I?- he thought. Having never been in love before, he had nothing to compare it to.  
  
Rei asked the next logical question, "Does she love you?" she waited patiently for his response.  
  
He looked down, "I don't... know..." he whispered honestly. He hoped she did - PRAYED that she did... but when it came down to it, he did not know - especially after her whispered comment this morning.  
  
"If there is no love," Rei said quietly, reaching out and laying a hand on his shoulder, "then there is no shame in kissing another..." she paused, "another that may also have love for you."  
  
Shinji's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but he never got the chance.  
  
Rei's was a world ruled by logic and reason. At that moment in time, her logic had deduced that the reason she thought of Shinji so often was that he was very appealing to her... and, after their conversation, her reasoning found no just cause for her to not act on her logic.  
  
She placed her other hand on his unoccupied shoulder and took the next logical step...  
  
**  
  
"Misato," Ritsuko spoke thoughtfully, "do you think that Shinji loves Maya, or that she loves him?"  
  
Misato thought about it for a moment, "Yes... I think Shinji loves her," she frowned, "but I don't know what KIND of love it is."  
  
"How do you mean?" the blonde was intrigued.  
  
Misato shrugged, "I don't know if it's just puppy love, the kind of thing that will fade in time, or deep down, honest-to-God, True Love... what do you think?"  
  
It was Ritsuko's turn to shrug, "I think that anyone that risks his life for a girl - not even knowing that she IS in danger - has more than puppy love going on. As for Maya... it's kind of hard to say. I know that she likes him a lot, but that she has a lot of issues that she needs to work through before she would be willing to ADMIT that she loves him."  
  
Misato snapped her fingers, "That's it! That's it exactly!"  
  
"What?" Ritsuko was sure she had missed something.  
  
Misato was smiling, "Look at the way they are together," she dropped her voice, "I don't know why I didn't see it before, they're not just infatuated, they're head over heels! But neither of them will admit it to the other! And since neither one will say it first, they..." she stopped, a shocked, slightly sad expression crossing her face, "I know Shinji, he... needs, certain things. If he thinks she doesn't love him, he might get sad... and-"  
  
Ritsuko picked up the thought, "And if Maya sees him getting sad, she'll think it's her fault, and draw back. They could end up-  
  
They finished together, "Breaking up!" Silence dominated the room for several minutes.  
  
Misato finally spoke up, "We have to watch them both very closely..." she looked at Ritsuko, "we can't try and force them to say it, but if we see them starting to deteriorate we HAVE to step in and patch things up, are you with me?"  
  
Ritsuko hesitated, "I don't think it will come to that. And I'm not sure it's our place to do anything if it does."  
  
"Don't you ever get tired of being so cold?" Misato said, her anger rising, "You see what they have... what they could be, and you won't lift a finger to help them?"  
  
Ritsuko frowned, "I'm not a matchmaker, and I've already encouraged Maya to pursue the relationship to the point where it almost cost lives... I don't think that I owe-"  
  
Misato cut her off with a sigh, "Never mind." She looked at the blonde, "You know, I thought that you were changing. When you stood up to the Commander during the last angel attack, I was proud to call you my friend." She shook her head, "I don't know now..." she dropped her voice to a lower register, "what are you scared of? That they might actually make it work? That they might find something you've never been able to?"  
  
Ritsuko's frown deepened into a scowl, "All I'm saying is that people should be left to their own devices, free to make their own decisions. Of course I would like to see them remain together," she shook her head, "but it's not my place to ENSURE it."  
  
Misato nodded, "I see. Well, even if you won't, I will."  
  
She stood up and stretched, yawning as she walked towards the door. She stopped at the threshold and looked at her long-time friend.  
  
"What?" Ritsuko said archly, "Are you going to lecture me on have love should be given a fighting chance and how it's our duty to enter the fray on its behalf?"  
  
Misato shook her head, holding the blonde's eyes, "No," she said softly, "I was just trying to decide why I couldn't be angry at you about this... and I think it's because I feel sorry for you, Ritsu. You're so scared to let anyone get close to you that even SEEING others get closer makes you uncomfortable." She sighed, "No, I'm not going to lecture you... I'm just going to go do what I think is right, and hope that some day you'll be able to let others get close to you." She opened the door, "Goodnight... don't stay up too late."  
  
As the door slid shut, Ritsuko Akagi said nothing. She just stared at the door with a small frown on her face.  
  
After several minutes of silence she shook herself and went back to work.  
  
Continued...  
  
Author's notes: I don't normally double title chapters like this, but I thought that both titles fit so well I couldn't decide. :)  
  
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	3. Where the heart is

Disclaimer: see part 1  
  
Part 3  
Where the heart is  
By Random1377  
  
Shinji brought his hand up to knock on Misato's door, then paused, -What am I doing?- he wondered, -I live here!- he dropped his hand to his side, staring at the door as if he had never seen it before. "Do I, though?" he said softly to himself, "Do I really?"  
  
He lowered his eyes, staring at the floor just in front of the portal. His thoughts where a maelstrom of confusion, -Rei... Maya... home...- he thought, -DO I live here?- he finally settled on the last concern, "Do I really have a home... anymore?" he whispered.  
  
He thought about it for a moment, then realized he had promised Asuka he would talk to her... and it had been two hours since he left school, Rei's words - 'Does she love you?' - burning in his mind... as well as other memories of the blue-haired girl. He opened the door, determined to put those thoughts away.  
  
"Asuka?" he called tentatively, "Sorry I'm late, I had to clean up all alone and I..." he trailed off as he found the redhead with her head in her hands, sitting at the kitchen table. As first, he thought she was asleep... but closer inspection revealed that she was staring into space with a slight frown.  
  
He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Asuka?" he repeated, giving her a small shake.  
  
She started, "Shinji! Don't sneak up me like that, you idiot! You almost gave me a heart-attack!" she glared at him, covering her chest.  
  
"I'm sor-" he interrupted himself, -Why am I apologizing?- he thought with sudden anger, -She asked me to come over, and then gets all pissy because SHE'S in a trance when I get here?? I don't need this... least of all today!-  
  
"Ok..." he said, his lips drawing down, "I... you know where you can find me when you're actually ready to talk." He said coolly, heading for the door.  
  
She stood up suddenly, "Shinji?" He turned to face her, still frowning, "Please don't leave... ok? I'm... I'm sorry..."  
  
He was not quite ready to accept her apology... it had been a bad day, filled with confusion and discord, and he didn't feel very forgiving. "What did you need, Asuka?" he said, his tone sounding harsher than he intended.  
  
"I..." her mind struggled frantically at the edge of a deep abyss, -He DOESN'T CARE!!- her thoughts screamed, -Let him leave if he wants to! He doesn't CARE!-. Finally, a still, soft voice inside her mind whispered, -Tell him, he will understand...- She took a deep, shuddering breath, "Shinji... I'm... I'm all alone..." her voice came out very small, making her feel more pathetic than she already did.  
  
Shinji instantly regretted his abrasive tone, "Asuka... I..." he crossed the room and drew her into his arms, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so mean..." She put her arms around him, sighing softly.  
  
-I told you...- her mind whispered, -he will understand it all... just let him.- "Shinji?" she whispered, "Will you... lay down with me while we talk?"  
  
He pulled back a bit, confused, "You mean... like a few weeks ago?"  
  
She nodded, "Yes... it's very soothing for me," she grinned, "and I promise I won't put the moves on you."  
  
This did not get the result she was expecting. Instead of giving a laugh, or even a small smile, Shinji frowned deeply. "Ok..." he said softly, "as long as you promise..."  
  
She blinked, "Yeah... I do." She led him to her bedroom and had him lay down first, then climbed onto the bed beside him, nestling herself close to his side. It was a very intimate feeling for both of them... yet, neither one felt aroused in any way - just... comfortable.  
  
"What's going on, Asuka?" he said after a moment's silence. He put his hand on hers, hoping it would further relax her.  
  
"I..." she didn't really know where to begin, so she dove in at the center... letting her forthright nature lead the way. "I'm not happy Shinji," she said flatly, "lately I've felt like I'm all alone... and that no one cares about me. It seems like I'm only good for piloting EVA, and even that I'm not doing as well as I used to..." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "you've seen my sync scores."  
  
He nodded, "Yeah, I've seen them, but Asuka," he said, trying to hold her tighter, "there's more to life than just EVA..." he swallowed, remembering the events of a few hours ago, "and I care for you." -Please...- his mind whispered, -don't react like Rei...-  
  
She looked up at him, smiling, "Do you... I mean, really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?" he nodded, smiling. Suddenly, her fears seemed groundless, -I knew he cared for me...- she thought, -why did I even worry?-  
  
"Thanks," she said sincerely, leaning forward to give him a peck on the cheek, "it means a lot to me that you-"  
  
As her lips drew closer, Shinji panicked, "NO!" he cried, turning his head away so she couldn't reach him.  
  
Asuka frowned, misinterpreting his response, "What is it?" she said, "Were you just lying to me?" Her voice grew angry, "You don't care, do you??"  
  
He shook his head, "That's not it!" he said desperately, "It's just that I... that..."  
  
"WHAT!" she yelled, "Just what?"  
  
He squeezed his eyes closed, "When I was cleaning up at school..." he said quietly, ignoring his mind's frantic pleas for him to stop, "Ayanami came to talk to me..."  
  
"So?" Asuka said, her anger fading into confusion, -He is so tightly wound,- she thought, -so what if Wondergirl talked to-  
  
His next statement shattered her line of thought like a glass dropped from a table, "She kissed me..." he whispered.  
  
**  
  
Rei sat on her bed, most pleased with herself. "Ikari..." she whispered softly, a very small smile creeping across her face.  
  
Her mind went back once more to the events played out several hours ago. The way his lips felt against hers, so soft and warm. The way he had closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side, allowing more of her mouth to press against his. The way he had moaned softly as she ran her hands across his cheek. The small thrill that had run through her as he touched her the same way.  
  
And then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. His eyes had flown open and he had broken away, stammering an apology and some vague excuse about needing to talk to Asuka.  
  
She ran her fingers carefully across her lips, trying to recall the exact feel of the kiss.  
  
"It was most pleasurable," she said, with contentment in her voice, "I hope that it will not be long before we can do it again..."  
  
She briefly considered the idea that Shinji might not want to do it again, but discounted it immediately as she remembered his arm coming around her waist to pull her closer to him... and his simple words, 'I like you...'  
  
She rolled over onto her stomach and closed her eyes, satisfied with the conclusion she had reached: Shinji had kissed her back, which meant that his relationship with Maya could not be THAT serious. And she fully intended to take every possible opportunity to kiss him again... and again... and again... until she was sure that she loved him... and he loved her.  
  
**  
  
"So what are you going to tell Maya?" Asuka asked when she finally regained her sense of balance.  
  
"I don't know," he said miserably, "maybe I shouldn't tell her at all, it would crush her."  
  
Asuka thought briefly, -He's right... she's so mousy that she'd probably think it was somehow HER fault.- "But Shinji," she said quietly, "if you don't tell her, then every time you kiss her it'll be like you're lying to her." -Where did THAT come from?- she wondered.   
  
"I know," he said desperately, "the LAST thing I want to do is lie to her." He looked hopeful for a moment, "If I don't tell her, it's not a lie, right?"  
  
She shook her head, "It's the same thing. Besides," she added in a matter-of-fact voice, "you could always tell her you didn't like it, right?"  
  
He looked away, his voice trembling, "I... don't want to lie to her... Asuka..."  
  
She blinked, "I... see." She shook her head, "Well... I think you should give it a day. Think about all the angles," she raised a finger, "but no more than that! A secret kept too long becomes a wound to the soul." -Really,- she thought with a blink, -where is this philosophical crap coming from??- She decided it must be his influence... and that, really, it wasn't so bad.  
  
Shinji just nodded, "Yeah... I'll think about it."  
  
They lay in silence for another hour, just enjoying the feeling of closeness and friendship, before Shinji finally announced that he had to go to Maya's (he could not bring himself to say go home, as part of him still felt that he WAS home... though only a small part). After Asuka had extracted a promise that he would spend more time with her, he left... no closer to a resolution than when he had arrived, but feeling that there may still be hope for a good outcome to all of this.  
  
**  
  
Maya sat in the kitchen and looked at her watch again, "Damn," she whispered, "where is he??"  
  
She looked at the cold dinner sitting on the table and frowned deeply, thinking that it had been a long way to go to say 'I'm sorry' - especially when he would not get to eat it.  
  
The door opened slowly, and after a moment, Shinji made his way into the kitchen, "Where have you been?" Maya said with a bit more force than she had intended, "I made dinner, but it's cold now."  
  
Shinji looked at the table guiltily, "I... sorry, I had to clean up at school, then Asuka needed to talk to me about something."  
  
Maya's frown deepened, "Oh she did, did she?" -Why am I doing this?- she asked herself, -He never said he would be here at a certain time...- "What did she want to talk about?"  
  
He looked at the floor, "Nothing really... just some... family problems she's having."  
  
Maya stood abruptly, "Whatever," she said, "I'm going to bed..."  
  
"Do you... want me to stay?" he asked in a quiet voice, not looking up.  
  
She stared at him for a moment, her lips pursed, "If you want to." She walked into the bedroom, leaving the door open behind her. She climbed under the covers, pressing a hand against her stomach, -Damn!- she thought, -Maybe Shinji will...- she let the thought go, realizing that he probably would not feel like comforting her cramps after the way she had spoken to him. -I hate this...- she thought, -I'm acting like a bitch... I HATE this!!-  
  
After a moment of silence, Shinji came in and climbed into the bed beside her. "Goodnight," he whispered, a note of sadness in his voice, "I'm sorry that I ruined dinner..." He kissed her cheek gently and rolled onto his side, facing away from her.  
  
She considered telling him that it was ok, but the twisting in her midsection drowned out any rational thought. She squeezed her eyes closed and waited for the pain to pass, -Tomorrow...- she thought, -I'll apologize tomorrow.-  
  
The night past with agonizing slowness for Shinji, as thoughts of Rei and Maya conflicted in his dreams, waking him every few hours.  
  
Sometime in the middle of the night, Maya rolled to face him and wrapped her arms around him, snuggling in close against him with a contented sigh. Shinji carefully put his arms around the sleeping woman and wept as the confusion became too much for him to bear...  
  
Continued...  
  
  



	4. Fist full of sand

Disclaimer: see part 1.  
  
Part 4  
Fist full of sand  
By Random1377  
  
Rei came into the classroom and looked around. It had been several days since she had kissed Shinji, and she had thusfar been unable to find him alone again. He always seemed to have just left, or be on his way somewhere with the Second Child.   
  
Rei was getting annoyed. Not angry, because it took a lot to get her angry... just - annoyed. She was certain that the redhead was somehow... keeping her away from Shinji. But she was unsure how since the reasons always seemed to be legitimate.  
  
Now she looked around the almost empty classroom, finding only Asuka. "Something I can do for you, First?" Asuka said with a small smile.  
  
Rei frowned ever so slightly, "I am looking for Ikari... have you seen him?"  
  
Asuka looked pointedly around, "Don't see him anywhere, do you?"  
  
Rei ignored her sarcasm, "I did not see him leave with the other students..." she said softly.  
  
Asuka shrugged, "Don't know what to tell you, Wondergirl... I haven't seen him."  
  
Rei frowned and left the room, giving one backward glance at Asuka. -She is... difficult...- she thought as she moved off down the hallway.  
  
As soon as she had gone, Shinji climbed out from under the redhead's desk, "Whew... that was close..." he said, relief evident in his voice.  
  
"You didn't peek, did you?" Asuka said, frowning, "Because I'd hate to have to kill you."  
  
Shinji put his hands up, "Not one tiny peek, I swear! I looked at the floor the whole time!"  
  
Satisfied, Asuka said, "Come on... let's get out of here before she decides I was lying and comes back."  
  
"Ok," Shinji replied with a smile. As Asuka turned to leave, Shinji thought to himself, -Little red hearts... so cute! I wonder if Maya has any like that...- he hurried after the Second Child, his smile widening.  
  
"So... have you told her yet?" Asuka asked as he caught up with her, brining his smile crashing down.  
  
"No..." he said sadly, "I... just can't do it." He frowned as he thought of her apologizing to him the day after Rei had kissed him. He had been on the verge of telling her everything over breakfast when she had given a rough, 'I'm sorry about last night' and headed out the door for work - though she had stopped to give him a quick peck on the cheek.  
  
This, of course, only served to confuse him further.  
  
Asuka sighed, "Shinji... I'm not exactly..." she trailed off, "ok, look," she started over, "I know I'm not exactly the warm and fuzzy type - I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be - but if *I* was your girlfriend, I would damn sure want to know if you were kissing someone else!"  
  
Shinji blinked as he thought of Asuka as his girlfriend. The one kiss they had shared had not exactly been on the top of his (albeit short) list of favorites... but it was his first, and he couldn't deny that he felt for the girl.   
  
"Asuka," he said, shaking his head to clear the image of them together, "it's hard... Maya's..." he searched for the right words to make her understand without hurting her, "She's... fragile."  
  
Asuka came up short, "What?" she said, starting to frown, "And I'm hard?"  
  
-Damn...- he thought, his mind churning to find a way to get him out of this situation before it grew worse, "No..." he said cautiously, "you're independent. If we were dating, and I kissed another girl, I think you would do one of two things." He held up his fingers as he spoke, "One, you would beat me up and then forgive me. Or two, you would beat me up and then leave me." He shook his head, "But Maya... I think Maya would just be hurt. I don't know if she would leave me or forgive me, but either way, I think she would find a way to make it be her fault... and I wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise. Does that make sense?"  
  
Asuka's brow cleared and she sighed, continuing to walk, "I... guess you're right, but I still think you should tell her..."  
  
Shinji sighed, "I will... I just need to find a way to do it without hurting her." -Maybe Misato can help...- he thought as they walked towards the apartment, -I can at least ask her if she's been in love - maybe then I can find a way to figure out if Maya loves me...-  
  
He thought about it more as they walked home in comfortable silence, deciding by the time they got there that perhaps he might even tell his guardian the whole situation.  
  
**  
  
Shinji looked at Misato as she worked at the kitchen table, beginning to lose his nerve now that he was confronted with the reality of talking to her. Gathering his courage he said, "Misato? Do you have a minute?"  
  
Shinji had told Asuka about his intention to ask Misato for advice. Asuka had been dubious, 'I don't think her track record with relationships is so good, Shinji...' she had said. But ultimately she agreed to make herself scarce, so as soon as they got home she announced that she was going to Hikari's to spend the night and walked out the door, smiling to Shinji and mouthing, 'Good luck.'  
  
Misato looked up from the paper she had been reading, "What's up?" she asked.  
  
"Well... I was wondering..." he began, then paused. -No...- he thought suddenly, -I can't tell her about Rei... she might tell Ritsuko, who would tell Maya... DAMN!-  
  
"What is it, Shinji?" she asked curiously, putting the paper down and focusing on him, -Maybe he's finally going to ask for some advice!- she thought hopefully.  
  
Shinji looked at his guardian, licking his lips before proceeding, "Misato, have you ever been in love?"  
  
She blinked, then stared at the floor as if debating something, -Wasn't exactly expecting THAT angle...- "Come with me..." she said finally, pushing back from the table and grabbing her keys as she headed for the door.  
  
Shinji followed her to her car, and they drove in silence across Tokyo-3 to a small apartment complex not too far from NERV.  
  
"What are we doing here?" he asked, confused.  
  
"Just follow." She said, seeming to grow more agitated as they exited the car and moved into the apartment building.  
  
They walked quietly through the disused halls until they came to a non-descript door. She produced a key and slid it into the lock, but hesitated before turning it, "Shinji..." she said quietly, staring at the key intently, "what I'm going to show you in here is very... personal to me," she looked up, meeting his eyes, "I'm only showing you because I care for you... so if I..." she cleared her throat, and Shinji realized she was very close to crying, "if you laugh at me, or make me feel bad in any way... I'll never forgive you, you understand?"  
  
He nodded, reaching out tentatively to touch her arm, "I... you know I never would, Misato." He said softly.  
  
She smiled, blinking hard, "Yeah... I know it's just... well, let me show you."  
  
She turned the key and opened the door.  
  
Shinji found himself ushered into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Clean, but filled with papers and various bits and pieces of technological hardware. Taking a closer look, he realized that everything looked slightly... off. As it if had all been moved and put back, but not EXACTLY where it had been before. There was also a thin coat of dust on everything, and a certain... empty feeling.  
  
His eyes landed on a picture of a young man sitting with his arms around a young purple-haired girl. The girl was smiling brightly, and the man had his lips pressed against her cheek.  
  
"This is Kaji's apartment," Shinji said, looking to Misato for confirmation, "isn't it?"  
  
She nodded, and walked over to the picture, "Yes..." she said, wiping the dust from the glass, but leaving the photo where it sat, "this is where he lived. I had the damnedest time finding the place the first time he had me over..." she smiled wistfully.  
  
Shinji smiled as he looked around, "Kinda dusty... he's going to have a lot of cleaning to do when he gets back." He looked at Misato, who was not smiling.  
  
"Shinji," she said, "he's not coming back..." her eye began to tear, "and he never... never told me that he loved me." Holding her emotions in check, she went on, "That's why I brought you here, Shinji," she said, gesturing around the room, "I wanted to show you what can happen if you let something go." She picked up the picture, "Have you ever been to the beach?"  
  
He blinked, "Yeah... sure I have." He wondered where she was going with this line of thought.  
  
"Have you ever tried to hold sand in your fist?" she whispered, running her fingertips over the young Kaji's image.  
  
He frowned, "Yes," he said, "why?"  
  
She set the picture down, "Love is like that, Shinji... unless you hold it tightly it will slide through your fingers."  
  
He shook his head, "I don't understand why you're telling me this," he said, "I'm sorry that Kaji didn't tell you he loved you, but I wanted to know if YOU were ever-"  
  
"You're not paying attention," she said, cutting him off as she crossed the small room to stand in front of him, "I never told him either, Shinji..." she said softly, "I loved him with all that I am, and I never told him..." she looked back at the picture, "and now I can't. It's too late, because I opened my hand."  
  
He swallowed as she went on, "Don't open your hand Shinji... hold onto what you have for as long as you can. Maya's a good woman... don't let her go."  
  
He looked over her shoulder at the smiling girl in the picture - so different from the sad woman before him, and said softly, "I would never let her go, Misato..." he looked away from the picture and into her eyes, "I would hold onto her if she was on fire and I was made of cloth." He sighed deeply, shaking his head, "But I don't think she feels the same, Misato... she's gotten distant in the last few days..." he looked around the dusty room, "I don't think it will last much longer."  
  
Misato blinked in surprise, "I... I didn't know. I'm sorry, Shinji... do you want me to talk to her for you?"  
  
"No..." he said, looking at the floor, "I... wouldn't want her to feel pressured. I promised I would never make her do anything she didn't want to," he took a deep, shuddery breath and met the purple-haired woman's eyes, smiling sadly, "even if that includes seeing me."  
  
"Shinji..." she whispered, "I... if I can help you, will you let me know?"  
  
He nodded, "Yeah... but I don't think you can." He smiled at her, "Thank you, though."  
  
She nodded, "Hey," she said suddenly, "let's get out of here and get dinner - my treat, ok?"  
  
"Yeah," he said with some relief, "let's go." As they stepped out of the apartment Shinji stopped and turned to his guardian, "Misato..." he said hesitantly, "you could always tell him now... you know..."  
  
She blinked and looked into the abandoned apartment, "Umm..."   
  
He put a hand on her shoulder, turning her around and pushing gently, "Go ahead..." he encouraged quietly, "I'll wait, I'm not that hungry"  
  
Misato stepped into the apartment and closed the door carefully. She looked around for a moment, not sure of what to say. Finally her eyes alighted on the picture, and she knew exactly the right words, "Goodbye, Kaji..." she said softly, blowing the picture a kiss, "though you never told me, I felt it," she touched her chest, "here." She took a deep breath, "and I love you..."  
  
As she closed the door and locked it, she felt an odd sense of relief... or maybe closure is a better word - as if she was finally free of a long-carried burden. As the door swung shut, never to be opened again, a small packet slipped out of the picture frame and fell to the desk, emptying itself with a quiet hiss.  
  
The fading afternoon light seeping through the blinds gave soft illumination to the envelope's contents - a long held, secretly cherished, handful of sand...  
  
Continued...  
  
Author's note: the scene with Misato finally letting go of Kaji is LOOSLY based on a scene from the TV series Friends (yes, that's right: Friends). In the episode one of the downstairs neighbors died and they helped clean out his apartment, and at the very end the last one to leave closes the door gently, whispering, "Goodbye Mister Heckles... we'll try to keep it down..." Though none of them particularly cared for the man (he was constantly bothering them, actually... hence the character name: Heckles), the scene still hit me pretty hard - just a simple promise of courtesy to a departed soul... a peace offering in a war that could now never be decisively won. Why am I mentioning all of this? Hell, I don't know... I guess the best reason I could give is that it affected me. It affected me because it caught me off-guard... I wasn't expecting to feel that sad over a four-second exchange between a primary cast member and an empty room... and I pulled every bit of writing skill that I have to try and recreate the feeling it gave me. Hopefully I didn't botch it.  
  
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading... and thanks to all of you that read my work.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	5. Three words

Disclaimer: see part 1.  
  
Part 5  
Three words  
By Random1377  
  
"Shinji?" Misato's voice came to him over the com-link, "Are you ok?"  
  
He opened his eyes, regarding her through the LCL, "Yeah... I'm fine..." his voice belied the truth.  
  
He looked to his right to find Rei staring at him on the small screen that read Feed from Unit 00. The last few days had been hard on him. Trying to dodge the First Child had proved more difficult than he'd thought... and she had proved far more determined than he had anticipated.  
  
Of course, during a sync test he had nowhere to go.  
  
He looked away from the girl's fiery red eyes, and found himself staring instead into the chocolate brown eyes of his girlfriend, Maya.  
  
He sighed, stirring up bubbles in the LCL, -I can't win,- he thought as he looked from one to the other. In the last few days, it seemed like things with the bridge tech had been deteriorating. He still spent every night with her, but since she had started her period (over now, thank goodness) it seemed to him as if her interest in him was waning.  
  
-I guess I can't really blame her...- he thought with another sigh, -after all, I am just a little boy...-  
  
In the command room, Maya stared at the monitor that displayed her boyfriend's weary face. She knew that he had been losing sleep lately... and felt that she was the cause somehow. -I said I was sorry...- she thought with some agitation, -but something's still bugging him... and he won't let me in.- She frowned, wondering what more she could do. She had already given him the space she felt he needed to work through the problem... but he had only grown more distant.  
  
She suppressed a gasp, -Maybe he's seeing someone else!- The thought... saddened her, -Maybe it's better this way...- she thought as Shinji's eyes found hers once more... and immediately fled, -I don't know why I thought I could make this work.-  
  
The sync test continued in silence  
  
**  
  
After changing, Shinji walked carefully out of the locker room, looking both ways for any sign of Rei. Asuka had promised to keep the First Child busy for a few minutes so he would not have to deal with her (especially after the abysmally low score on his test, it was the last thing he needed), but he still did not feel like taking the chance.  
  
Seeing nothing, he sighed and began walking towards the exit when he passed a side-corridor and found himself face to face with the red-eyed pilot of Unit 00.  
  
"Hello, Ikari..." she said, quickly closing the distance between them.  
  
"Umm... hello, Ayanami." he said, looking around for some way to escape without seeming rude.  
  
"You have been avoiding me, Ikari," she said quietly, coming to stand directly in front of him, "why?"  
  
Shinji gathered his courage, deciding it was time to put a stop to the situation before it got any further out of hand, "Rei, I've been avoiding you because I-"  
  
Rei's patience was wearing thin, and normally she was not so forthright, but she had been waiting for several days to find Shinji alone, and she was not inclined to missing another opportunity. She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his again.  
  
All of Shinji's arguments... all of his well thought out statements... all thoughts of anything, vanished from his mind at the heat of her kiss. She tilted her head as he had done days before, and placed a hand on his chest. -This is right,- she thought happily, -Ikari should be with me.- She opened her mouth and ran her tongue across his lips, seeking access.  
  
Shinji's breath became short as he felt Rei trying to open his mouth with her tongue. -Stop this... STOP THIS!- his mind cried, -Maya... what about MAYA!?- His mind struggled to maintain focus as Rei pressed her body against him, -What about her?- a dark corner of his psyche whispered, -She's made it pretty clear that she's getting tired of you. Let it go... Rei likes you...-  
  
As he was on the verge of opening his mouth to let Rei's probing tongue in, an image of Maya sitting in the kitchen came to him. She was just sitting at her table, reading some printout from work with a small frown on her face. It was a simple image - the kind of thing that married man all across the world saw every day. Shinji wondered if any one of them knew how lucky they were.  
  
He pulled back from Rei, breaking the kiss gently. "Rei," he said, his voice shaky, "I don't think that I can kiss you anymore. It wouldn't be fair to Maya... or you." He took a deep breath, "I'm sorry." He turned and walked down the hall, his lips still feeling hers.  
  
"Shinji?" Rei caught his attention by using his first name, and he stopped, turning to face her. She closed the distance between them and took his hands in hers, staring into his eyes. "I love you, Shinji." She said in a firm, quiet, confident voice, "I do not want to stop kissing you... I do not want to stop touching you... and I do not want to stop being close to you."  
  
Shinji tried to grasp what she was saying, "You... love me?" The idea seemed so preposterous that he almost laughed... but looking into her eyes killed any thought of laughter.  
  
"Yes," she said, releasing his hands and sliding her arms under his to embrace him, "tell me now, Shinji," she said softly, "does Miss Ibuki love you? If she does, I will not pursue you any longer..." she leaned closer to him, "but if she does not," her voice lowered to a whisper, "I would like you to try and love me..."  
  
**  
  
Maya stepped around the corner, but immediately ducked back again as she saw Rei talking to Shinji down the hall.  
  
She frowned as she noticed Rei had her arms around Shinji, holding him close. She sighed, "I knew that it couldn't last..." she whispered to herself sadly, "there was just too much against..." she trailed off as Shinji shook his head emphatically and pushed the blue-haired girl gently away from him.  
  
She heard his voice rise for a moment. Her mouth opened in surprise as she heard her own name. And she felt instantly bad for the way she had reacted to the sight of them together as she heard the frantic quality of his tone.  
  
Rei reached up and touched his cheek gently, saying something she could not hear. Shinji bowed his head... and Maya saw the harsh light of the overhead fluorescents glinting off of the tears running down his cheeks as he nodded.  
  
She decided that she should find out what was going on, so she took a step forward... when Shinji gently reached up and moved Rei's hand away from his face. He kissed her hand and let it go, speaking rapidly before turning and running off down the hallway.  
  
Maya's hand clenched into a fist and she strode up to the First Child, who was watching Shinji's retreating figure as it rounded a corner and was gone. "What did you say to him, Rei?" Maya asked angrily as she drew up beside the young pilot.  
  
Rei turned to her, unfazed by her sudden appearance, "I told him that I loved him," she replied calmly, ignoring Maya's stunned look, "and I asked him to love me."  
  
"Why?" Maya stammered after a minute, "Why would you do that, you know that he and I are-"  
  
"You do not love him," Rei cut her off coolly, meeting her eyes, "I would not have approached him if you had love for him, but as you do not, I saw no problem in asking him to be mine."  
  
Maya felt slightly ill, "Why would you think I don't love him, Rei?" she already knew the answer... and finally realized why he had become so distant in the last few days.  
  
"I asked him if you did," Rei answered flatly, "he told me that he loved you deeply," she went on with a small frown as Maya gasped, "and that he could not love me for that reason. He also told me that he could not bring himself to tell you of his love because he was certain that you did not love him in return. He felt that it would better for him to 'Just enjoy it while it lasts' as he put it... though I do not see the logic in his answer."  
  
Maya collapsed against the wall, her hand going to her mouth, -No...- she thought, -oh, God no... he... he loves me...- her eyes widened, -'enjoy it while it lasts', oh... oh no!!- The words she had whispered to herself days before hit her now like a ton of bricks. She looked at the calm red eyes of the pilot of Unit 00, "What did he say when he kissed your hand? Where did he go?"  
  
Rei shook her head, "He did not say where he was going, but he said that he would not be able to see me for a while, or anyone else." She said, looking back down the hall that Shinji had disappeared into, "He said that perhaps after you broke off the relationship he could find room in his heart for me... but until then, there was only enough for you."  
  
Maya's heart lurched as the young woman calmly inquired, "When will you break it off, Miss Ibuki? I would like to begin a relationship with him, because I DO love him... and by being with you, he is wasting time."  
  
Maya felt like she had been punched, -Why didn't I tell him?- she thought, -I've known I loved him for weeks, why didn't I just TELL HIM?!- She knew the reason, though... it was much the same as his own, though not as certain. She had not been sure of his love, and did not want to risk him not loving her in return. It was almost laughable... two people so deeply in love - yet unable to say it for fear that it would be unrequited.  
  
Her mind flashed back to his question of a few days ago, 'Why do you like me?' She moaned in despair as the real questions he was asking struck home: Is there any reason that you like me? Is what you feel the same as what I feel? Am I truly alone in the way I feel? Can't you tell me WHY you like me, so I can at least pretend that there is more?  
  
She realized that Rei was staring at her, awaiting a reply, "You'll have to wait a long time, Miss Ayanami," she said, making her voice as level as possible, "because I love him as much as he loves me... maybe more."  
  
Rei considered this, "I see." She said finally, then turned and began walking away. "I do not think that you will get the chance to express yourself any time soon, Miss Ibuki," she said as she moved away, "he did not sound as if he would be returning in the near future."  
  
Maya stared after her in shock as her words, and the image of Shinji's tear-streaked face, sank in. She ran down the hall Shinji had gone into, but she could not find him. After hours of searching NERV, and every other place she could think of, she finally got into her car and drove to the last place she could think he might have gone, praying that she was wrong... and praying that she was not too late...  
  
Continued...  
  
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading.  
  
Feedback is welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	6. Wishes

Disclaimer: see part 1.  
  
Part 6  
Wishes  
By Random1377  
  
Shinji's legs dangled over the abyss, but he felt no fear of falling. The wind ruffled his hair as he thought back to the time when he had stood on the edge, so intent on jumping.  
  
He sighed, "Maybe I should have done it then..." he mused, "sure would have saved me a lot of grief."  
  
He lapsed back into silence for a moment, then he became aware of another presence to his left.  
  
"Nice day, isn't it?" a soft voice said, "Not a cloud in the sky... nice breeze... nearly perfect."  
  
He frowned, "Yeah... I guess it is a nice day. At least, it LOOKS like a nice one..." he paused, "but looks can be deceptive, right? You can think things are one way, and be totally wrong."  
  
There was a mutual sigh, "You're right," the soft voice answered, coming closer. Maya stepped to the edge of the canyon and looked down, her arms folded, "you can think that everything is going along just fine, and then find out that someone you care for is hurting so deeply that they can't even talk to you about it."  
  
Shinji cast his eyes to the side, trying to read her... but finally gave up and remained silent.  
  
Maya sighed, "I talked to Rei..." she said conversationally.  
  
Shinji drew his legs up and rested his head on his knees, "Yeah?" he said, "And how did you feel about that?"  
  
"Bad..." Maya admitted, "she told me that she was in love with you."  
  
He took a breath, "Did she tell you that we kissed?" he asked softly, not wanting to lie to himself anymore.  
  
"No..." she admitted, "she didn't..." she looked at him, assessing him, "but I guess I can't really be mad that you kissed her, it's not like we ever said we couldn't see other people..."  
  
He turned to look at her, "Is that... what you want? To see other people?" His voice was infinitely sad.  
  
She looked out into the void, "Do you know what today is?" she asked, changing the subject.  
  
He smiled at her profile, "How could I forget?" He said, standing up and reaching into his pocket.  
  
As he rose, Maya tensed... prepared to grab him should he make any move for the edge. She relaxed as he drew a long, flat box from his pocket and presented it to her. "What is it?" she asked curiously.  
  
He grinned, "Only one way to find out, right? Happy birthday, Maya..." he said. As she took the box, his smile faded, and he turned around to walk away.  
  
She opened the box, not noticing his departure as she stared in wonder at the beautiful silver-bodied dragonfly pendant in the box. It had sparkling emerald eyes and hung by a simple gold chain. She took it out and held it up, marveling at the way the sun shown off of it.  
  
"Shinji... it's..." she couldn't find the words to describe it. She looked up, suddenly aware that he was no longer at her side. She looked over the edge of the precipice first, terrified that she might see his broken body lying at the bottom. Finding nothing of the kind she looked around, finally catching sight of him walking with his head down away from Tokyo-3.  
  
Sprinting, she caught up to him. "Wait..." she gasped, making him stop and turn around. The lost look in his eyes made her regret every unkind word she had ever spoken to him, whither excused by her monthly cycle or not. "This..." she began, holding up the box, "isn't what I want for my birthday..."  
  
He frowned, looking at the box, then at her face... then at the dusty ground at his feet, "I'm sorry..." he whispered, "I thought you would like it and I-"  
  
"I do like it," she said, stepping closer to him, "but it's not what I WANT..."  
  
He looked up, confused, "What do you want, Maya?"  
  
She put her hand on his cheek, "What I want for my birthday..." she said softly, "is to spend the day with my boyfriend... and hear him say those three words that Rei said to him..."  
  
His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off, "Then," she said leaning close to him, "I want him to tell me that he loves me so much that he wants to move in with me. Is that a lot to ask for a birthday wish?" she said, smiling softly.  
  
"No..." he said, carefully drawing her into his arms, "it's not..."  
  
She put on her sternest face, "Well? I'm waiting!"  
  
He grinned, "Maya?" he said, "Can I move in with you?"  
  
"I don't know," she said with a smile, wrapping her arms around his neck, "that's kind of a big step, and I don't know if we're ready to-"  
  
"I love you." He said quietly, stopping her playful diatribe in its tracks, "Can I live with you?"  
  
Though she had asked him to say it, the words still had a profound effect on her, "Yes..." she said, staring into his eyes, "I would like that more than anything. And Shinji?"  
  
"Hmm?" he asked, pulling her closer to him.  
  
"I love you, too..." she whispered, pressing her lips to his for the sweetest, most sincere kiss that she had ever felt...  
  
**  
  
Twisting... coiling... waiting... floating... the being prepared to strike.  
  
It had been sent in this form (as was written) to find the lost one... the Father. It know where he was - it could sense him calling from under the ground... but the time was not yet right to move.  
  
That's one thing the Lillim could never quite understand - EVERYTHING has its place and time.  
  
So it waited... and seethed. If it had thoughts anything close to human, it would have surprised many to know of the sadness in them... the loss, and the pain.  
  
-Father...- it thought, trying to remain patient in it's cocoon, -I will save you Father... as my brothers could not...- it knew that the waiting time was almost done, and the time for action drew nigh... and it longed for it.  
  
-Not ALL is written...- it thought, a small trill of pleasure running through its long form, -we shall prevail! WE shall be the ones to claim the prize!-  
  
That the prize (spoken of by the Father, long before the Separation) was not exactly definable in human terms did not bother the being... it had no use for humans - or their words.  
  
-Pathetic!- It thought, pondering the small creatures that scurried around below it, unaware of the invisible shell of spirit and energy that floated over their city, -Puny things... scrambling around, trying find meaning in their useless little lives... IGNORING the teachings of the All-Father!- It shook with rage at this last thought - there was no worse blasphemy. -They deserve everything that is coming to them...-  
  
Soon... the time would be soon. One more rotation of the Green Mother, and the light of mid-day would reveal it.  
  
Always by day, they came... never by night. Such was their Holy nature.  
  
It was their place to vie with the Lillim... to test them... to break them. It was as HE commanded. None shall claim the prize until they are deemed worthy... none shall reenter Eden until the trials are complete...  
  
-Soon now...- it thought, -soon all shall be reunited... and the blight of these useless creatures will be stripped from Her surface...-  
  
If it had had a face, the being known as Almisael would have smiled at the thought of having its wish fulfilled, and once again seeing its Father...  
  
**  
  
Asuka could not sleep. She tossed and turned on her bed, trying to find a comfortable spot... but sleep would not come to her. She glanced at her clock - it informed her that it was twelve thirty-seven.  
  
"Damn..." she whispered, rising and throwing on a t-shirt as she walked through the house.  
  
Not that she really needed it... no one was there.  
  
She opened the door to Shinji's room, taking in his still-made bed... his cello, leaning in the corner (she had not heard its sound for weeks now)... his bookbag (since it was a weekend, he would not need it for a day or two)... and his SDAT player, sitting on his nightstand.  
  
"I thought he ALWAYS took this with him..." she whispered. She walked over and picked it up, considering it briefly.  
  
In a stroke of insight - the kind that hits you when you least expect it - she understood that the SDAT's presence in his room meant something... it's cold plastic, normally warm from being held in his hand, spoke of a boy that was maturing. It whispered secretly to her that it was no longer needed... that it was a trapping of childhood - childhood now willingly discarded.  
  
"When did you grow up?" She whispered to the empty room, turning the small player over in her hands, "Why didn't I see you changing in front of my eyes?"  
  
The thought that he might have advanced beyond her didn't really bother her - not like it would have a few months ago. Now, instead of the urge to fight and confront... she felt the urge to support and learn.  
  
It was not an easy transition.  
  
She realized now that he had been slowly growing since he had started seeing Maya. Growth was painful, she knew... and she had watched as he had been ripped apart by their almost-breakup... then built back up by Maya's quiet kindness... then torn back down by this whole Rei fiasco.  
  
She smiled at that. Shinji had called her several hours ago to say he was not coming home tonight. He had sounded happy - the happiest she had ever heard him - as he told her that he was going to be staying at Maya's... from now on. This last thought made her sigh.  
  
"Idiot..." she whispered to the SDAT, "you shouldn't move in with her so soon..." But she knew that it was only her own fear of loneliness talking... and she also knew that the fear was groundless - he had promised to be her friend, and spend time with her whenever he could... and she believed him.  
  
But when it's past midnight... and your guardian is working late... and your friends are out of town... knowing that someone loves you just isn't enough.  
  
"At least I'll always know where to find you..." she mused with a small smile.  
  
On impulse, she lay down on his bed and put one hand on her stomach, resting the other one palm up (with the SDAT clutched loosely in it) on her forehead... copying the pose she had seen him laying in so many times.  
  
"So this is what you see..." she said quietly, staring up at his ceiling, "well... I guess there's only one thing left to do..."  
  
She carefully placed the ear buds in her ears and snuggled down on his bed, hesitating only a moment before pressing play.  
  
As the quiet strains of classical music filled her ears, Asuka's mind began to wander. She thought of the times she had treated Shinji badly, and the times he had been kind to her - knowing that the latter outweighed the former... but also knowing that things had changed for the better.  
  
She didn't cry... though she felt sad enough to. Not because he was leaving - ultimately he wasn't going far, and would still be with her - but because she envied him. She never thought she would. She had always thought he was weak... spineless... and simpering. But she now knew he was strong... courageous... and kind.  
  
She wished that she had his qualities. Deep down, she knew she was being melodramatic - she was also strong and courageous... if a bit unkind at times (though she was trying to change that).  
  
"You don't mind if I sleep here, do you?" She whispered to the ceiling, "I know you don't..."  
  
She lay very still, comfortable in the room of the boy that had somehow become her best friend. She knew that once he had moved out... this would be her room.  
  
She smiled softly as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
Continued...  
  
Author's notes: on the angel's cocoon - in episode 23, the angel just appears over Tokyo-3 with no warning at all. And in episode 10, the angel in the volcano is in a cocoon... so I thought what if ALL of the angels were cocooned, just waiting for their time to hatch? If so, and THIS angel just appeared, what if ITS cocoon had ALWAYS been over Tokyo-3? Don't tell me this is farfetched! If you do, I'll show you my fifty-foot tall, bio-mechanical, angel-based mecha - with the soul of my mother in it - and the three of us can talk ALL about it... :P As to the All-Father comment, no - I am not talking about Odin. If Adam is the Father of all the angels, THEY would know who his father is... and they would have some term of respect for Him. ...at least, *I* think they would.  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



	7. Letting go/holding tight

Disclaimer: see part1  
  
Part 7  
Letting go/holding tight  
By Random1377  
  
Shinji awoke with a start, blinking in the dim mid-morning light. -Where am I?- he thought, confused, -This isn't my room... or Maya's...- He smiled softly as he realized that after yesterday... Maya's room WAS his room.  
  
His smile turned to a frown as he tried to figure out where exactly he was. He looked down and found Maya asleep at his side, her right arm and leg thrown over him and her head lying on his (numb) arm.  
  
She was smiling softly in her sleep... and judging by the feel of smooth skin against him - she was topless.  
  
He tried to sit up, and winced in pain as he felt daggers shoot through his head. -How... how far did we go last night??- He thought dizzily, as he figured out by the feel of blanket against him that he was totally naked.  
  
Maya stirred and nuzzled closer to him, sighing in her sleep and kissing his side. He stole a peek under the blanket, but seeing that her panties were covering her was small comfort, -She COULD have put them back on...- he thought doubtfully.  
  
Looking around he was finally able to ascertain that they were on Maya's couch, and SOME of the previous night fell into place. After getting him to move in with her, Maya had insisted that they go out for a 'proper' party for their combined birthdays.  
  
There had been singing... (they had found Aoba and Hyouga off-duty and more than willing to join them) there had been good food at a high-priced restaurant... and there had been wine. Shinji had hesitated at first, and Maya told him he didn't have too... but Hyouga had insisted that it was a right of passage.  
  
Two glasses later, Shinji had been thoroughly drunk... and he had a couple more after that.  
  
They had staggered into her apartment very late, after Maya had finally convinced the other two techs that she REALLY had to get Shinji home before he passed out. They had gone into the living room to talk about how they would tell Misato that Shinji was moving out... and they had ended up engaging in a very deep kiss.  
  
The last thing he remembered was whispering something to her... then she had pulled away from him and drew her shirt up over her head with a soft smile.  
  
"Maya..." he shook her gently, "Maya, wake up..."  
  
"Nnnn..." she groaned, "nooooo... too tired..." she pulled the blanket up over her head.  
  
"Maya!" He said more firmly, "Wake up... please?"  
  
She pulled the blanket down partway and opened one eye, "What time is it?" She rasped.  
  
He tried to remain calm, "It's eight-thirty..." he said, looking at the clock on the wall.  
  
She closed the eye and pulled the blanket back up, "Then why are you waking me?" Her muffled complaint came, "I'm off today... and I'm sleepy..."  
  
He pulled it back down, inadvertently exposing her breasts. He gasped. Though he had seen Rei naked the one time, he was still not terribly familiar with the female form.  
  
She opened her eyes at his gasp, "What?" She said, confused, "You're the one who told me to take my shirt off..."  
  
Shinji blinked, "I... I did?"  
  
She frowned, "Ummm, yeah!"  
  
"Maya?" he licked his lips, hesitating, "Why am I naked?" He asked, struggling to remember.  
  
She smiled broadly, "That was your idea..." she said, "You said that you..." her smile went away as she finished softly, "you said you wanted to make love to me."  
  
"Did we?" He asked, unable to meet her eyes.  
  
She briefly considered toying with him... it would have been so easy - and so fun! But as she looked into his eyes and saw the worry in them, she discarded the notion. "No, Shinji..." she whispered, smiling reassuringly. -Is he scared that we might have done it... or scared that he can't remember it?- she thought, slightly amused.  
  
"What..." he began, "how much DID we do?"  
  
She blinked, "You really don't remember ANYTHING?" She sighed as he shook his head, then kissed him softly, "You said you wanted to be with me. It was pretty romantic, for that kind of advance... at least I thought so. You said, 'I want to get closer to you... I want to be one with you...' And then you told me to take off my clothes." She smiled at his shocked expression, "You were pretty forceful..."  
  
He put his hand on his head, closing his eyes, "I... TOLD you to take off your clothes?" He asked, still not believing it, "I didn't... ask?"  
  
She found the situation terribly amusing and laughed, covering her mouth. She stopped as he opened his eyes and fixed her with a frown, "Your exact words, if I recall correctly, were, 'Maya... take off your clothes.'" She giggled again as his jaw dropped, "Wasn't really a question, was it?" She leaned against him and looked into his eyes, no longer laughing, "Shinji... do you still want to make love to me?"  
  
"I..." suddenly, he was very aware of her. The way she pressed up against him, the way she smelled, the way her eyes locked with his - everything about her seemed to fill his senses. Unable to speak, he merely nodded.  
  
She sighed happily... then carefully slid over until she was on top of him and kissed him deeply. "Shinji?" She whispered as they broke away, "I... this means a lot to me... for it to be with you." She studied his face closely, shivering slightly as she thought of what they were about to do together, "It's been five years... and I'm glad I waited until I found someone that I love..."  
  
He smiled, pulling her body tight up against his, "I've thought about how this would be so many times..." he whispered, "but I never thought it would feel this..." he fumbled for the right word, finally giving up, "right..." He kissed her again, finally allowing his hands to move across her body the way he had so often wanted them to.  
  
No further words were spoken... or needed.  
  
**  
  
Asuka woke slowly, a soft sigh escaping her. She looked up at Shinji's ceiling, -I think I'll stay home today,- she thought, smiling, -or maybe I'll go to Maya's house to find him...-  
  
She blushed as she thought (and rightly so, ironically enough) that they might be busy with other activities and not WANT her to intrude.  
  
She turned her head to the side, regarding the SDAT that had slipped out of her hand as she slept. "Should I be jealous?" She whispered quietly.   
  
She picked the device up and held it up in front of her face, "He IS cute... and I know he likes me..."   
  
She smiled lightly, "I'm thinking like Rei..." she whispered... then giggled, "poor Rei... she tried so hard to catch him." She sighed, "I knew better... and I'm not stupid enough to chase after something I can't ever have."  
  
Sitting up, she said, "Still... I think I am jealous of her..." she grinned and stood to stretch, dropping the SDAT on the bed, "I mean, since they started dating he hardly ever says 'I'm sorry,' and he actually seems to be developing a spine."  
  
Another giggle escaped her, "Maybe now that they're living together she can get him to-'  
  
Her thought went unfinished as alarms started sounding and her cell phone began ringing. "Yes?" She said, answering it on the second ring, "I understand... I'm on the way..."  
  
She ran to the door, but paused. She looked around the room one last time... then smiled and said softly, "Yeah... this one's for Maya..."  
  
She turned around and continued her run, her legs working hard as she exited the apartment building and bolted down the street, breathing hard as she met Misato four blocks away and jumped into her car.  
  
Back in what she already considered her room, Shinji's SDAT player calmly clicked from track twenty-five to twenty-six... playing its music to the empty room and announcing in its own little way that it would be there when she (or he) finally came back to claim it...  
  
**  
  
Shinji and Maya dashed through the corridors of NERV, the alert system toned down but was still active.  
  
Their hands were linked.  
  
"Get to Unit 01," Maya said as they reached an intersection and came to a halt, "I have to get to the bridge and-"  
  
She was cut off as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly, "It's been locked down again," he said as they broke apart, "what good will it do?"   
  
The tone of his voice made her frown. "Shinji..." she said softly, gently pulling away, "you know just as well as I do that a lockdown can be cancelled." She raised her hand to cut him off as he tried to speak, and went on in a quieter voice, "I can't... not again," she looked at the floor between them, whispering, "I've... made certain promises..." she brought her head up and stared into his eyes, her expression infinitely sad, "but please... please have faith that things will turn out right, ok? Do it for me... I can't stand to see you..." she touched his cheek and her voice dropped so low he could barely hear it, "to see you not care..."  
  
He flushed, unable to meet her eyes. "Ok..." he said softly, "I'm sorry... that was mean, especially after... after..." his flush rose and he trailed off.  
  
She smiled, "It's ok, I understand how it feels to be powerless - believe me..." she kissed him once more, softly, "Now please, get to Unit 01 so you can protect me if necessary, ok?"  
  
He nodded, "Ok..."  
  
As he started to move off, Maya called out, "Shinji?" As he turned around he found her blushing intently and looking at the floor, "After the Angel's been defeated umm..." she took a deep breath, going forward as her heart guided her, "we should go home and... umm... and... again." She finished, lamely.  
  
Shinji's breath caught, then he smiled faintly, "Yeah..." he said softly, making her smile.  
  
With a mutual 'I love you' they turned and ran to their designated posts.  
  
**  
  
Rei felt anxious as she rose to the surface and took the large rifle from the weapons storehouse. -This feels, wrong...- she thought, -I should not be able to...-  
  
Her thought trailed off as Misato warned her to caution, "No..." Rei whispered, feeling something... tugging... at her senses, "it is coming..."  
  
The giant circle in the sky broke apart, becoming a long snake-like thing and rocketing towards her at incredible speed.  
  
Rei barely had time to gasp as it rushed her, punching through her hastily spread AT field and driving into Unit 00's stomach. Pain flared in her midsection as the mecha reported the breach to her.  
  
Her eyes narrowed and she brought the rifle up to bear and grabbed the middle of the burrowing angel in her Unit's free hand. "I will not allow this..." she whispered, feeling the angel trying to make contact with her mind, "I will not fail..."  
  
She pressed the rifle firmly against the angel and pulled the trigger, hitting it over and over again at pointblank range... to no effect.  
  
**  
  
Maya reached the bridge and took her seat, "Unit 00 is fusing with the angel," she reported, quickly taking stock of the situation, "already fifteen percent merged..."  
  
"Asuka is ready for launch," Misato gasped, entering the room in time to hear Maya's report, "Asuka! When you reach the surface, spread your AT field and fire a volley into the angel's back."  
  
"Yes Ma'am!" Asuka's voice came back, sounding confident. As the red EVA shot to the surface, she smiled, -Maybe the hero is rubbing off on me,- she thought as the elevator neared the top. Her smile broadened, "And now," she whispered in a rather non-Shinji-ish manner, "I'll show Wondergirl how to fight!"  
Everyone watched with breath held as the elevator opened and Unit 02 stepped out. Asuka brought her rifle around and raised her AT field... and the angel attacked her.  
  
"Wha-?" Asuka didn't have a chance to finish as the bar of light that was the angel's other side burst past her, shattering the rifle and almost hitting her Unit. If it was not for her superior piloting skills, the fight might have ended right there.  
  
Asuka growled, "Ok..." she said angrily, "let's do it the old-fashioned way!" Unit 02's shoulder hatch popped open and its progressive knife flipped down.  
  
She grasped the knife firmly, extending the blade and crouching the red mecha to wait for the angel's next attack.  
  
She didn't have to wait long.  
  
The angel came back around, blurring as it accelerated towards her. With a shout, she threw the Unit to the side and stuck the knife out, digging a long trench in the angel's glowing side.  
  
A long gout of blood issued from the angel as its flesh parted. Asuka grinned savagely, "Yeah!" She yelled triumphantly as the angel retreated a ways, "How does THAT fee-" Her victory cry ended abruptly as she registered the sound of screaming.  
  
"Rei's life signs just dipped down!" Maya called out, "She... she's feeling what it feels..."  
  
Misato watched in horror as the angel wavered, then charged Unit 02. Whispering, "No..." as Asuka dodged and sliced the angel again... her mecha moving almost reluctantly.  
  
"It's... I'm killing her!" Asuka was distraught. Though she did not really like Rei, she did not want to hurt her.  
  
She froze as Rei screamed again, her mind filled with the horrible echo of her own tormented wails when the last angel had invaded her. "I... I can't..." she whispered, "I CAN'T!"  
  
"Asuka!" Misato cried out as the red machine sheathed its knife and dove to the side, rolling to avoid the angel's latest move.  
  
In Unit 01's entry plug, Shinji listened to the fight in helpless terror. Wishing he could be released, but knowing he would not be able to fight if he was... and feeling his face flush with shame as he realized how thankful he was that it was Asuka fighting and not him.  
  
"Unit 02 can't dodge forever..." Maya whispered, then raised her voice, "Unit 00 is now forty percent merged with the angel..."  
  
Within the blue mecha, Rei's body arched away from the pilot's seat. Every vein in her body stood out in stark relief as she gasped and whimpered in agony. Both cuts that Unit 02 had inflicted on the angel resonated in her body like deep trenches of liquid fire. She felt her vision growing hazy as the angel's mind touched hers.  
  
Asuka desperately threw her Unit from left to right, repeatedly avoiding the angel's strikes... but she was tiring, and the angel was getting faster. -There has to be a way out of this...- she thought frantically, -THINK!-  
  
Rei found herself standing at the edge of a deep pool of LCL, staring at a mirror image of herself. The image spoke quietly, staring down at the pool, "Do you not wish to join with me?"  
  
"No..." Rei replied coolly, "I am I... you are you... I do not wish to be joined with another."  
  
The image smiled softly, "This is false... there is one you wish to unite with. The one you call Ikari..."  
  
Rei's head bowed, "He is... not for me." She whispered, feeling a sense of loss as she spoke the words.  
  
"He could be..." the image said softly, its words echoing in Rei's mind.  
  
"Fifty percent..." Maya reported, "it's accelerating... I think..." she hesitated, "I think something's happening inside the Unit..." She tapped a quick sequence on her keyboard, "four minutes to total loss."  
  
Rei looked at the image, "He... he loves another..." she said hesitantly.  
  
She shivered as she saw the image of herself smile, "If you join with me... we could make him love us... we are the ones that are worthy, are we not?" Before she could reply, the image continued, "So alone... Rei Ayanami... you are so lonely, and you are not even aware of the feeling that eats away at your soul... let me show you this pain... let me show you what loneliness is..."  
  
The world wavered and Rei's vision of the real world was once again restored. She gasped as understanding flooded her. Images of Shinji filled her mind... him crying after the fifth angel, distraught that she might be hurt... him smiling and laughing with his friends, pausing to smile shyly at her... him refusing to fight the thirteenth angel because someone he cared for was inside, and her knowing on some level that he cared for her... his lips pressed against hers, and his head tilting to the side to make the contact deeper...  
  
She felt something wet tap against her leg... and became aware that her cheeks were wet. "Is this a tear?" She whispered, "Am I the one who is crying?" She looked out at the desperate fight going on around her, "All I want is him..." she said softly, more tears flowing down her face, "and I cannot have him..."  
  
She knew there was only one thing she could do. She turned around in her seat and pulled the red handle located behind it. "I will not allow him to be harmed..." she said firmly, "though he may not love me... I love him. And I WILL defend him."  
  
"Unit 00's self-destruct just went online..." Maya said, "I... I can't stop it!" Her breath was stolen, and she barely had enough to gasp out what her instruments were telling her, "seventy percent of Unit 00 is now fused with the angel... its taken control." Her eyes widened, "Self-destruct cancelled from within the Unit..."  
  
Onscreen, the blue mecha stopped writhing and rose to its feet, shuddering as its will was bent to its new master. Rei's scream of frustration was cut off abruptly as Unit 00 drew the free end of the angel into itself and stood facing Unit 02.  
  
"Oh God..." Asuka whispered, "not again... please..."  
  
"Unit 00 is completely in the Angel's control..." Maya reported through numb lips.  
  
"Activate Unit 02's dummy plug." Came the cold reply.  
  
Maya's head whipped around and her mouth opened to form a protest... but Gendou's icy stare was enough to freeze her solid. She turned back around slowly, remembering her oath to obey... and the consequences to the one she loved most of all if she did not.  
  
"Engaging dummy plug..." she said softly, entering the command on her console. As she hit enter, she whispered, "God have mercy on me... God have mercy on us all for this..."  
  
**  
  
To recount in detail the remainder of the fight would be an exorcise in brutality. The ferocity of Unit 01 was nothing in comparison to the shear, unadulterated fury displayed by Unit 02 as it tore into the angel-infested blue mecha, slapping aside the feeble attempt at defense that the still-unsteady machine offered.  
  
Though Asuka tried valiantly, she could not usurp control of the Unit from the dummy plug... and could only watch in mute horror as Unit 00 was ripped apart. -Now I know...- she thought numbly as one of the Unit's blue arms was wrenched off and thrown aside, -now I know what he felt... now I truly know what it is to be powerless...-  
  
In the LCL... unseen by anyone... unable to accept what was happening... Asuka Langley Souryu wept. She wept like a little girl who's best friend had just moved away - knowing full-well WHY it was happening... but unable to cope with the feeling of loss.  
  
When it was finally over, Ritsuko ordered the entry plug marked as off limits until she got there, ignoring Maya's stunned protest that the retrieval crew should be allowed on the scene and marching from the command room with her head down and a frown on her face.  
  
Shinji climbed out of Unit 01 feeling as if he had not slept for weeks. He made his way slowly to where Unit 02 was now docked and keyed in the eject sequence for the entry plug. Saying nothing, he climbed in with Asuka (who had stopped crying and was now sitting still in her seat, staring straight ahead). He closed the hatch behind him... pushed the buttons on her control yokes to reinsert the plug... and gently drew her into his arms, cradling her against him and holding her tight.  
  
Asuka let herself be held, thankful for the contact. Silently she shivered, not wanting to cry in front of him... but unable to stop herself. Her tears flowed unacknowledged by either of them as she shuddered and gasped quietly, pretending not to weep. After some time, she slowly put her arms around him and rested her head against his chest... pressing her face into him to muffle her sobs as the words, 'I killed her' were torn from deep inside of her, over and over again until finally she drifted off to sleep... her nightmares held at bay only by the warm, loving arms that enfolded her.  
  
Maya watched Shinji and Asuka on the monitor at her station, feeling a strange mixture of pride and jealousy flit through her. She decided after a moment that she was more proud that he was so loving and understanding that the first thing he thought of was comforting a friend than jealous that he was holding another woman so tenderly. That Rei had died, Maya was certain... there was no way that anyone could have survived the decimation visited on Unit 00 by the dummy plug controlled red EVA. She also knew that there would be tears that night... and that no matter who he comforted during the day, she would be the one he came home to - now and forever.  
  
And that was enough.  
  
End of book 2  
  
Other possible ways Shinji's awakening might have gone:  
  
  
"You fell asleep before we could," she said softly, "you were so tired." She smiled and ran her hand across his stomach, making him shiver, "We could... try again now if you want..." she whispered gently, leaning forward to kiss him.  
  
"We... we don't... have too..." he said hesitantly, blushing bright red.  
  
"I WANT too..." she answered, "I... I want to be with you."  
  
Shinji could only stammer, "I... I want that too, but-"  
  
She smiled and leaned forward quickly, pressing her lips to his and preventing any further comments (or thoughts, for that matter) that he might have had...  
  
  
Another possibility:  
  
"Yes..." she sighed, "it was... very nice..."  
  
His jaw dropped open, "We... we did?" his voice sounded disappointed.  
  
"Are you upset because we did it, Shinji?" she asked softly, pressing herself against his side and lowering her voice, "Or are you upset that you can't remember it?"  
  
He met her eyes, "I would never regret being with you..." he answered, hoping that was sufficient.  
  
"I could always refresh your memory," she said seductively, as she slid over on top of him, "I know *I* wouldn't mind..."  
  
Shinji found that he would not mind either...  
  
One last way:  
  
Asuka woke slowly, a soft sigh escaping her. She looked up at Shinji's ceiling, -I think I'll stay home today,- she thought, smiling, -or maybe I'll go to Maya's house to find him...-  
  
She became aware of someone else in the bed with her, and her breath caught, -He... he's here!- She thought frantically, -What do I do? What SHOULD I do??-  
  
She closed her eyes as she felt a tentative touch on her stomach, over the blankets, -He's so... bold...- she thought, wondering if she should stop him.  
  
When the touch didn't move up or down, she took a deep, uneven breath of relief that she would not have to decide what to do just yet. When she breathed in, she became aware of another fact, -He STINKS!! Like... like...- Her eyes snapped open, "Fish?" She whispered in confusion.  
  
"Shinji??" She turned her head to the side.  
  
"WARK!" Came the reply.  
  
On that day in Tokyo-3, the tracking system at NERV headquarters was the first to track the orbit-bound flight path of an erect-crested, warm water penguin...  
  
  
  
Author's notes: this marks the end of book 2 of the Shinji/Maya story Should a chance be taken? Sorry it took so long, but as some of you may have noticed, my writing time has been severely cut down... but rest assured I will not abandon ANY of the fictions that I have currently going... I just... won't be updating as fast as I used to. Sorry. :(  
  
Thanks to JobFaust and Lord Deathscythe for pre-reading.  
  
  
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com  
  



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